Christian Ulibas Mamaril

Dear Christian -

I may not be able to see you,
but everywhere I go and every living thing I see – you are there smiling at me.

I may not be able to hear you,
but every sounds of laughter and outbursts of cry – I hear you whispering to me.

I may not be able to feel you,
but with every tear that is shed, every breath and heartbeat that is felt – 
your presence is right next to me.

It’s been 40 days since your passing and I continue to seek the lord for strength, answers and reasoning that this is the perfect envisioned plan for all of us.  A part of my soul has gone to rest with you, for this emptiness I feel inside will never be replaced nor forgotten.  I often find myself staring at the clouds and the stars, visioning a glimpse of your shadow shining down upon us.  Wondering where you are and what you are doing this very minute.  Wondering how life would have been for you or for us if you were still around.  Pondering if there was anything else we could’ve done to help save you.  I often worry if you are okay and that you are nourishing just fine to help give you the strength to grow and prepare for your first step.   

Then in a blink of an eye, your presence and whispering sounds catches my breath as you softly whisper , “Mom, you may not see me or feel me, but know that I am with you and all my loved ones every step of the way. I am that inner voice deep down inside that can only be found in your heart. I am guiding you and blessing you through all your trials and tribulations in life that god has paved for you.  I am taking care of you, the way you have cared for me.  Please do not worry or be afraid, for this is the life god has given me.  I am perfectly fine and happy and surrounded in an eternal land with the Lord, Saints and angels who has welcomed me open arms into a promising world free of pain, troubles and sorrows.   We shall meet again, and that time you will be mine.  “

Christian, you have walked into our lives leaving a footprint in our hearts that could never be replaced or forgotten.  Your big, beautiful, brown eyes captivated our soul and your mind had the power to touch us all.  Your smile was contagious, along with the type of personality to easily fall in love with you.    Your strength and perseverance mesmerized our hearts and proved to us all to never underestimate your size.  We were all witnesses to your short lived-life.  But we are forever grateful to experience a baby who became a legend and is now destined to be a follower of Christ.  Christian, you truly are a saint and God’s gift to all of us. You may not be here physically, but your presence will always be near.  Until we meet again, WE LOVE YOU SON and may your soul rest in paradise!!!

Forever in our hearts,

Mama

GOODBYE MY SON

I saw your face as you were born, you were so lovely and sweet
And now my Son all I have, is this memory I will keep.

I loved you then, as I love you now, and my heart still feels the pain.
But the tears I cry as I think of you are not tears shed in vain.

You would have been so wonderful; you would have been so sweet.
Those tiny little fingers, those tiny little feet.

My love for you will never die; it’s with me night and day.
And from the moment you were born, that memory will stay.

I will come with you someday
only now is not my time,

Then we will be together again,
again you will be mine.

LOVE IN NOT KNOWING (Christian)

I know not how to appreciate you, but with my smile
Not how to hold you, but with my grasp
Not how to speak to you, but with my cry
Not how to express to you, but with my tears
Not how to fight for you, but with my breath
Not how to love you, but with my eyes
For I know not how to leave you, but with my sleep

-       Written by DJ Anzano

Our Unconditional Love

Never in a million years, nor beyond my wildest imagination would I have imagined myself standing before you all – saying goodbye to my son.  I continue to find the right words to express my feelings, yet no words could ever explain the pain and sorrow of losing a child.   I do know that God works in mysterious ways and he continues to provide me strength and healing during these tough times.   But the beauty I take from this experience is by thanking the lord for giving me the opportunity to have met you and the feeling of loving you, even if it was for a short amount of time.   I miss you and would give anything in the world just to hold and see your smile one last time.  This is my dedication to you…

You unexpectedly came into my life not knowing what to expect.  With open arms and excitement, there was not a soul of regret.  As expected parents to be, we were overwhelmed with joy - from listening to your first heartbeat, feeling you move in my womb and the unforgettable joyful news, “Congratulations, you are having a baby boy”!   We had big dreams for you Christian (that you were going to be at the top of your class, an athlete and that you weren’t able to date until you were 21). Most importantly, our only wish as parents is to give you a better life than what we had and to live our dreams through you.  

As part of gods plan, you came into our lives earlier than we expected.   As frightful and worrisome as any mother could be, the pain and fear subsided the minute I heard you cry. That day I will always remember -  May 27^th, 2010 at 2lbs, 10 ounces, 14 inches long. You were truly a miracle right from the start - so innocent, so pure and full of life.  You were our beloved son Christian - you were our baby boy. 

Not knowing life had a different plan for you, I learned to value the true meaning of a days’ worth by watching you grow before our eyes.  Yet, you knew nothing but your hospital bed with a strong will to fight and survive.  As a mother, our promise to ourselves and to our children is to unconditionally love them and to protect them from harm.  But often times I found myself helplessly enduring your pain by your bedside as I watch each needle protrude into all parts of your small body or signing a piece of my heart as you undergo another procedure.  Deep inside is a helpless mother and father, desperately crying for help, turning our faith to the lord for answers that everything happens for a reason; but why you?  Why Us?  Why not me instead Lord?  With the gracious Lord by our side, he continued to give us strength month after month, fighting obstacles big and small that came our way.  Hospital became a place we called “HOME” and Doctors, Nurses, RT’s became family. Until that one day we received the joyful news, “Your son is coming home”.   It was one of the happiest moments in my life, knowing that there was light in the tunnel after our unconditional dedication day after day.

Things took a sudden turn immediately after the good news.  Your condition started to decline day after day, until the day you couldn’t breathe on your own and was immediately placed on a ventilator.  It was a striking blur after being told you were tired, your rare lung condition may have worsen and that you had pneumonia.  Ignorant as we were, we continued to never lose hope and our faith became stronger with the Lord, for I know he would never leave you during your time of despair. 

A few days before your passing, I saw how hard you were struggling to survive.  I sat by your bedside staring at how uncomfortable you were - tubes down your throat to help you breathe and all the wires that were attached to you from all different angles.  I counted all the different medications you were on to help your lungs and heart function, to help suppress the pain – until that one day I had no more fingers to count.  I found myself numb and helpless while nurses constantly bag you back to life, watching your numbers and condition deteriorate day after day not knowing what will happen the next hour.  As your saturations continued to drop I would watch the nurses’ bag you back to life and would thank god for giving us a few more hours to be with you.  I endured your pain with strong hope and faith that a miracle is just around the corner, but that miracle never came.  Until the day I surrendered my faith and trust to the lord.  The night before you passing, I prayed so hard to the lord asking him for a miracle, a miracle to somehow help you in any way possible to help alleviate the pain and suffering… but also for the very first time in 6months, I prayed that if it was his “WILL” to have you there with him, to please stop your suffering.

 Our prayers were answered the following morning, as I walked to your bedside with tears in your eyes with so much pain and despair.  That’s when I knew it was time to no longer be afraid and to put my heart and trust in Gods perfect plan. With the most difficult decision any parent could ever face, while balancing the unconditional love we have for you, our hearts told us to stop the pain and suffering and that it was time to set you free.   

For the first time in my life, I valued the importance and meaning of living by the minute and savored every minute with you.  After your final blessings, our last wish was to show you the outside world for the very first time and to hold you in our arms one last time. With the wonderful support from the staff at Lucille Packard hospital and close family and friends, we were able to make that wish come true.  Just seems like yesterday, the minute we stepped into that elevator which led us to a private roof top surrounded by a luscious garden with beautiful blue skies beaming down on us.  You were handed into our arms for the very last time.  With my heart rapidly racing, tears pouring down my face - that moment – for the first time in my life, I valued the importance and meaning of living by the second. I whispered to your ears to be strong and not to be feared, for the lord was here to save you.  Until that final moment your breathing tube was removed, we cried as we held you tightly in our arms, kissed your beautiful face and lips and told you how blessed, proud and honored we were to be your mother and father.   

I will always love you Christian and just know that daddy and I were with you every step of the way and will continue to be with you in our hearts.  All the heartfelt memories and the journey we shared from the first and last time I held you in my arms, heartbeat to heartbeat as you looked into mommy and daddy’s eyes with so much love and adoration. All the joyous moments from your first haircut, you peeing on daddy, changing your stinky diapers, your first smile, your first sounds of cooing.

You were truly a blessing and have touched many lives by your persevere and will to survive. You came into this world as a reminder to all of us that LIFE is a gift and we all have our purpose in life which is to never take life for granted and to always place our TRUST and FAITH with the lord. You are now an angel my son, surrounded by many Angels with the lords presence - free from hospital beds, free from pain and suffering, free from wires and machines. In my heart I see you crawling and jumping from one cloud to another, smiling down and protecting all of us.  

You will always hold a special place in my heart as my baby boy.  I love you Christian!!